A well regarded colleague of mine was about to retire - and also had her birthday on the same day. She's one of the few people where I work who has a genuine kindness, and is also excellent at her job (as a Project Manager) so Mr Social Anxiety (Me) had to make a decision. To go to her leaving do, or do what I always do, skip it and make some crappy excuse.
The new wrinkle to this was that I was discussing it at home, and my daughter said "I can come with you, if it'd help."
My daughter said that. For a while I had to try and process that, and had to also try and talk her out of it - but just like her mum (and me I guess) she's stubborn and would not be swayed. So the day came, and I was full of my usual social anxiety, but we set off all the same.
Social anxiety, for those lucky enough not to suffer from it, is about the before, the during and the after. You are anxious before, for many many reasons, you worry about who will be there, who you will talk to, if you will talk at all, whether you'll be welcome but also dumb practical stuff like "Will the buses be late?" or "Will the chosen venue be full?" or "Will I get ill from eating the food!" or the usual "Will I say or do something that'll make me look like a complete freak?"
Then there's the during - thankfully during the event I managed to find a nice table with a bunch of my more friendly and sociable colleagues, and we sat with them and chatted. I could sense the looks the other folk there were giving us. "Why is HE here? He never comes to these" and "Who the heck has he brought with him?" were probably some of the things going through people's minds.
I don't know what it's like for you but our work "dos" are very much about pecking orders. Workers sit with each other and usually have the greatest time. Managers sit in their little clusters only ever talking to each other, now and again casting eyes over their minions but definitely 'sticking to their own kind" and that's what it was like last night, and it did not go unobserved. If there's one thing my daughter is exceedingly good at, it's sussing people out and she pretty much had the measure of most of the managers within the space of about 10 minutes.
So the during, but what about the after? Where does anxiety come into it then? We made our excuses and left well before closing time, in fact we stayed for about an hour and a half which for me was quite a long time, and went and had a meal together somewhere else. Just dad and daughter spending time together. But the anxiety 'after' was all about the stupidity of worrying what people thought of us, or whether I truly had said anything in the course of trying to make amusing small talk that placed foot firmly in mouth. Kiddo said I was cool and OK, but she's so kind, and my brain says otherwise.
Essentially though, somehow I've been a part of bringing a genuinely kind and empathic human into the world and I feel like I've had a tiny glimpse of her future. People will be drawn to her, because she's like that. I just don't want the world to ever hurt her, but have to be the parent who stops trying to wrap her in cotton wool and must let her grow beyond her mum and me. She will grow, and she'll be amazing.
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