We had our first Uni open day, a busy hot and hectic day where we did our best to find out as much information as possible about a prospective place that kiddo might be studying at. It looked like an amazing place, even the student halls weren't too bad, but we were very aware of how many tiny working parts would need to be in place in order for her to get in, and how complicated it's going to get as soon as she gets an offer.
But that's not the thing on my mind. It's the empty nest that's going to be toughest to cope with, purely because being a dad feels like what I was put on this earth for, and losing the focus of that is like losing my identity. She's grown up into a genuinely interesting human being and conversations with her are always sparkly and interesting. Over the last few years our relationship has changed from father / daughter to something like a deep friendship, suffused with moments where we as a family still have those fun times that we've always had.
It makes me think about what will replace that, and my wife and I have talked about actually having a life of our own once kiddo goes off to Uni, and that's actually a weird and exciting thought as well. We would have the freedom to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, and that feels like something that will hopefully offset the sorrow of not having kiddo around all the time.
My relationship with my wife has changed over the last few years too. We have had our ups and downs just like anyone else, but with my ill health I've realised that my wife genuinely cares and looks out for me (sometimes worrying a bit too much!)
I love that. I have always shuttered myself away from being cared about too much, preferring instead to be the carer. But knowing someone's got my back is amazing, and she does have my back as I have hers.
The anxious mind always thinks ahead, never lives in the moment and I'm looking ahead to the day we drop her off and disappear into the sunset as she spends her first few nights on her own and that petrifies me. I would always want to be there in the click of a finger if anything went wrong in her world, just like I always have. With the place we visited on Saturday, we would be able to get there in a few hours but it still feels like it'd take a long time, but she's tough, she's resilient and though she has the same anxiety her old man has, she has tougher coping mechanisms - something perhaps born out of being more ambitious, definitely being cleverer, and definitely having a maturity beyond her years.
We will see what happens over the next year and a half.
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