Time for the third (and final) parr of "Weird Meme questions weird buggers on Twitter ask each other" so let's dig straight in, we're almost there compadres...!
Question 14: If you could transform all of your hair to a different hairlike but not hair substance (!) what would it be?
Well as I have no hair on my bonce, but have plenty of hair on my chin and other parts of my body, I would probably opt for the substance that coats the leaves of those plants that feel a bit like baby rabbit ears. Basically anything but the fuse-wire-consistency beard hair I have. Something soft that lets you get in a good night's sleep without rasping your face off. Yeah, that. Or red liquorice.
Question 15: You're checking the ingredients of a new affordable skincare product that's really working wonders for you and the first one listed is "Active Ingredient 3.6% human blood" - Do you keep using it?
Time for you to pull up a chair. Do you think human blood is the worst thing that gets added to skincare products? Really? Hey if it worked for Countess Bathory, it'll work for you right? Well let me tell you something - as an ex skin-care professional (no, really) and someone who used to work for a very well known skincare and makeup company, I know exactly what went into their products and also happened to find out what went into a lot of competitor products too. Amongst the horror list of ingredients in some very expensive and five star reviewed products you can find whale spunnk (yes, really!), the secretions from the anal glands of certain cute furry creatures, any number of disgusting bottom-feeding sea creatures, mould and fungus (in fact one skin care product had to go to great lengths to describe their product in a distanced chemical-sounding way to cover up for the fact that it was a close relative of the mould that grows on fridge seals when you don't clean them properly). Oh and bat piss. Apparently bat piss (again given a fancy latin name) is better for clearing up pimples than anything else (though don't try that at home, kids, pretty sure it needs some sort of purification / refinement before bottling!)
Question 16: You travel to see a beloved friend of many years, but the more time you spend with them, the more they seem a little "off", like you're looking at a picture of your friend through a window pane.
When you ask them about it they reply cheerfully "Oh yeah I'm a homunculus constructed in the image of your friend. I have all their memories, bodily conditions etc. For all intents and purposes I am a later edition of your friend but the person you knew as your friend isn't here any more. Where do you want to eat dinner tonight?" - What restaurant do you choose?
Oh man, some of these questions, honestly, talk about a heath robinson machine constructed purely for the purposes of cracking an egg, that extends over six acres and requires more moving parts than the Space Shuttle! So here's the thing. I don't make friends easily. I can count on the fingers of one finger real actual proper close friends that I'd consider eating out with. I am rubbish at making friends, I am rubbish at keeping friends, I am rubbish at staying in contact with them or maintaining a friendship. In fact outside of family, I wouldn't really even describe my work colleagues as friends. It has not always been this way, and anyone who knew me in my twenties would tell you that the above statement is entirely false yet here we are. So in terms of "Would I care whether my friend had been replaced with a carbon copy of themselves?" I probably wouldn't. "What restaurant would we eat at?" I would play the game of asking them to guess where we were going, then when they offer their first guess I would say "Congratulations, you guessed correctly, that is EXACTLY where we're going to eat" because I hate being the one who chooses, purely because most of the time if I choose somewhere and it's crap, I feel responsible.
Question 17: If you could shrink or grow to ride any non-horse animal like a horse, which animal would you choose?
We're back to one of the early questions about flying / swimming again so I would want an animal that could fly, could be tamed enough not to chuck me off as soon as we attained enough height, and could get a fair spurt of speed on (because that whole business of only being able to fly at your ultimate sprint speed is as lame as hell and who wouldn't want to fly at, say, the speed of a racing pigeon. In fact yeah, there you go, I'd want to be small enough to ride a pigeon to get them back for all the times they've woken me up at 4.30 AM with their stupid "Doo DOOO Doo DOO DOO!" shit.
Last question: During an evening stroll you find an adorable bright blue beetle the size of a pencil eraser. When you go over to investigate it calls you the rudest thing you've ever been called in your entire life. What do you do?
Listen lady, I've been insulted by the best, the brightest, the dumbest animals on the planet - fellow humans. I have heard funny insults, clever insults, sick insults, cruel insults, there is literally nothing a little blue beetle could say to me that would bother me enough to elicit me stamping it flat (which is the answer you were looking for, right?) What's it going to do? Chase you? Hurl more insults at you? Chances are it'll end up as some bird's breakfast at some point like every other beetle in the world, so I'd just shrug, say "I've seen your future pal" and walk on.
There, hope you enjoyed this limited peek into my character. Tune in next week when we go back to discussing more sensible stuff like "Why Alligator Loki is the best Loki?" or "How does my wife not realise that after 20 years she's still the hottest thing on the planet?"
Comments
Post a Comment