Part two of the Questions and Answers Meme, this one's a bit dark. Again, comes with the whopping caveat "No one is interested in this stuff apart from you!"
Question 7: Every wild animal you see within an eight block radius of your home now has a taste for human flesh. How screwed are you?
Very screwed. We are surrounded by deer, foxes and owls. So I can be bambi-ed, bitten or clawed to death. Great.
Question 8: You meet and fall in love with someone who falls in love with you in turn, but the cost is you never have a clean break when you take a shit ever again. Is it worth it?
You've met my wife already I see!
Question 9: If you could be any one of your houseplants, which would you be. If you don't have houseplants, choose a bivalve instead.
I guess I'd be my spider plants. No matter how neglected, how little they're cared for, watered, sung to or cajoled, the things just refuse to die - in fact they reproduce like crazy. Yeah, I'll take that. The bivalve bit is just too fricking weird!
Question 10: In Bo Burnham's comedy special "Inside", the opening song includes the line "I'm sorry I've been gone but look I made you some content / Daddy made you your favourite, open wide" What are you opening wide for? You are opening your mouth only. You are not opening your mouth for a body part.
This has to be the most crazy, convoluted and long-winded way of asking someone what their favourite things to eat are. So I'm not going to answer because, seriously, if you only have one favourite type of food you might as well just give up and get in the bin.
Question 11: You wake up with a worn leather pouch under your pillow, when you unwind the frayed cord cinched around its neck you see that it is full of teeth. Somehow you know you are meant to plant them in fertile soil. What kind of teeth are they and what crop do you harvest?
Maaan. Well let me tell YOU a story. My Nan used to know a dentist's assistant who had the job of disposing of extracted teeth. This was long before there were bio-safe incinerators for the purpose. The woman used to bring them home (not in a worn leather pouch though, probably in an old Co-Op carrier bag) and use them as drainage on her watercress beds. YEARS later, I read "Sexing the Cherry" by Jeanette Winterson and the passage where the haggard old witchy character does the same and I swear Jeanette Winterson either came up with one amazing coincidental character in her book, or she knew my Nan's friend and just based her character on her
Question 12: There's a spider in your home that brings you a crisp newly minted £5 every day at 5:40 PM but also every day at an undetermined time between 1 and 2 AM on two randomly selected days of the week, screams directly in your ear with the volume and lung capacity of an opera singer. Do you let the spider keep living inside or do you take it outside to a nice garden somewhere.
£5? Just £5? Sorry, that is too paltry an amount for any level of disturbed sleep. The spider would meet the same fate as any spiders that make their way into my home, and either be crushed to death in a tissue / piece of kitchen roll, or flushed down the sink / loo.
Question 13: While you're trying out a new recipe you fuck up and summon a demon instead. What were you trying to cook? Which demon do you summon with your errors?
I reckon I would have been trying to cook a souffle, as every single time I've tried to cook one I've fucked it up. I reckon the demon summoned would be some sort of withered dried-up egg-laying creature that wanted to exact revenge at all the wasted eggs that have gone into my fucked up souffles over the years. It would look exactly like a plucked chicken, but be able to stand on its drumsticks. It would have tiny sharp teeth in the ragged opening of its neck and would be whispering "Tsssp! Tsssp!" at me quietly, while advancing menacingly towards the ruined souffle.
More soon, if I can stand the trauma!
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