The art of Crotchety Crochet or "How I suddenly FINALLY sussed out how to do something I'd always wanted to do"
R2: (1 inc)x6 (12 sts)
R3: (1 sc, 1 inc)x6 (18 sts)
Know what that means? Well until about a week ago Crochet was something that totally evaded me. I'd been bought a Crochet kit ages ago as a bit of a gag present, and though I've had the thing for years, I got it out along with my daughter about a week ago, determined that 2020 - as much of a shambles as it is / was - was going to be the year I learned to do this.
Very quickly I learned two things from internet tutorials.
1) The prettier the instructor, the more likely they're going to focus the camera on their beautiful nails / face rather than the actual stitches and work itself, thus rendering their tutorials useless
2) Video tutorials are a total bust. Constantly pausing, fat-finger-pressing the skip button rather than pause, and the general faff of trying to balance an iPad on your knee while you're making a hash of tying knots in wool with your free hands is akin to juggling three balls. A skill very few master but many would love to attain.
I persevered though. There are a great many written tutorials that take you through step by step (with photos) and give you enough ammo to begin crocheting for real. It took me ages to even work out how to do a slip knot (I still don't think I've got the perfect method) let alone knowing what to do from that point on, but soon I was working a single chain, building on it into a rather messy circle. That was the turning point, the point at which I began to think "Wait a minute, I can MAKE something out of this!"
After a lot of bodging, and mastering the Jedi skills of increasing and decreasing rows mostly by accident rather than design, and with more dropped stitches, holes, pulled threads (oh I've sworn, I've sworn so badly over having a crochet hook that LOVES to snag the cheap yarn in the kit I was given) I made the weird bird dude at the top of this review. It took about two attempts to give him a beak. The eyes are weird, the funny little hat he's wearing was the result of another failed attempt at a magic circle, and the shell he's emerging from was probably the only time I've ever managed to do any 'neat' stitches. But there he is. I'm gonna call him Edgar.
Alvin the Alien was born!
Crocheting is another vain excuse to do something with my hands in 'dead time' - you know, those times in the day when you're inevitably waiting for your wife and daughter to drag their lazy carcasses out of bed while you've been up for hours, or while you're waiting around for them to get dressed and ready to go out for a walk.
Better still, it also focuses your attention while they're watching their choice of programmes on TV!
My ambition then got the better of me...
By this time the crochet kit was getting a bit light on yarn, and I'd just about managed to do a godawful inconsistent job of crocheting the green bit before ruining it with a row of Single Crochet, making the thing too small for even a tiny baby to wear.
Described as "vaguely tit like", the hat was at least a useful experiment in using increases to build something bigger than the tiny fiddly little things I'd been making up to that point.
I couldn't really tell you why a grown-up man-baby should find something so satisfying about learning a skill that (let's face it, even in these modern enlightened times) is always aligned with lonely ladies destined to knit things for their loved ones that will be cast aside, unloved, in a draw. I think that needs to change, I think that there's no reason whatsoever that blokes should feel somehow inadequate because they secretly yearn for yarn, so here I am, cap (or tit-like crocheted hat) in hand to urge you manly testosterone freaks to have a go.
My top tips are these.
1) Start off ignoring practically every tutorial you will see on the internet about slip knots. Just tie a fecking granny knot big enough to get a crochet hook through, loop it onto your hook and then begin your chain. Always ignore that first knot (something most tutorials neglect to tell you) and always ignore your last chain, they don't count in your stitch count
2) "Magic Rings" are brilliant. no really, I mean if you can make a loop shape in a piece of wool, you can crochet a magic circle. This tutorial is absolutely brilliant and simplifies it to the nth degree so even a complete muppet like me can manage to make one. Now, if only they'd told you what to do or where to stick your crochet hook for the next row after you'd made your circle it'd be perfect!!
https://ambassadorcrochet.com/2012/02/14/how-to-make-a-crochet-magic-ring/
3) Crochet patterns are like an alien language BUT once you understand the basics, they do begin to make some sort of weird sense. Again, this link helps LOADS in deciphering them. Doesn't help that (as usual) there are different standards / different terms in the UK and the US but this does cover most of them:
https://www.craftyarncouncil.com/standards/how-to-read-crochet-pattern
4) If you're still not convinced by the whole Crochet thing, knock your eyes out by googling for Amigurumi patterns like this one: https://amigurinos.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/free-amigurumi-pattern-star-wars-yoda/
CROCHET YOUR OWN BABY YODA FFS? I mean how cool is that! Incentive enough to learn all this stuff.
5) If you get frustrated by your yarn snagging, or knotting, or just don't want to waste wool, experiment with string first until you can crochet a chain or a round. String tends not to snag as much, can easily be unpicked without wasting anything, and it's slightly easier to get the tension right. Once you can crochet like a pro, move on to wool and see what you can create!
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