Even though I haven't been in the office since last March I've been working from home since then, adjusting to the new normality of logging into work remotely every day and only seeing other humans outside our household through the medium of Microsoft Teams.
Depression came crashing down on me hard on the first Monday back. After a year mixed with COVID, health problems and a general sense that there is little or nothing to actually look forward to, to break the monotony of work, sleep, and brief escapes to our well trodden local park for exercise, I felt like crap. I had no motivation to re-engage with work after my brief spell in hospital and in recovery, while my amazing wife and daughter took the new lockdown news as they always do - right on the chin. At a point last night I lay awake in bed and gave myself a severe talking to.
"Don't be so bloody selfish" was the first thought. The thing is, for me, being selfish is the very last thing I normally do. I don't like the thought that others are suffering and will do what I can to help as a useless kidult. That includes not being a burden to anyone else (particularly my wife and daughter, or any other members of my family).
Yet while ill I had no choice but to rely on others, to recover, get my strength back and (most importantly) get my mental strength back as well. The worst thing is that when you start relying on others, it becomes almost impossible to kick yourself up the arse and start relying on yourself again. You feel like you slide back into your 'old role' as if you've never been away, and you're no longer 'special' because the expectation (from work more than from family I guess) is that now you're physically well, you are back to how you were before. Mental health doesn't factor into it.
As a rampant pessimist I had no illusions about 2021 being like a magic switch. Merely moving from the trash fire of 2020 into a new year hasn't actually changed much and it also means that all the things we, as a family, really are beginning to miss are still beyond reach. A third lockdown and being in a high tier still means we can't go anywhere outside our own country or even county (well we're not government ministers so we can't merely chalk up a nice trip to the seaside as an 'eye test').
Nearly a year on we're all sick and tired of it, but isn't everyone? So that was my second wagging finger to myself - everyone is sick and tired of COVID and the way life has changed because of it so why should I moan about it? We've stuck to the rules, rigidly, since last March while we've watched other flout them - seemingly getting on with their lives as relatively 'normal' as they can, still travelling, still taking lovely photos of themselves enjoying a cheeky fish and chip meal on the beach as the sun sets. Still seemingly assuming that their actions have little or no effect on the national infection rates.
Time for a third wagging finger and one that I've automatically always set as a new year's resolution (and have systematically always broken as well). "Stop moaning about the behaviour of others that A) you can't control and B) will never be able to affect or change" - This could drive you quietly mad, this one - and it does drive me mad when I waste so much energy, sadness and in a lot of cases anger stressing about stuff like the above, desperately hoping for some sort of karmic event to "pay people back" when they behave properly selfishly.
Blogging about this stuff is a sticking plaster for a fairly large wound (oh the irony) but at the moment it's all I've got. So I will continue to wag my finger at myself, continue to heal, get stronger (physically isn't a problem as I've just started Yoga and working out again, hooray! Mentally may just take a bit longer so bear with!)
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